The Blue Devil
Sophomore year of high school brought me one of the most tragic events to have stricken my short life: the death of the Tan M&M (hereafter referred to as Ambrosia).
In 1995 Mars, Inc. (hereafter referred to as Evil-Inc) ran a sneaky contest inviting the public (hereafter referred to as The Great Douchery) to choose a new color M&M. What Evil-Inc failed to mention to the Great Douchery was that this new color was slated to replace, nay, destroy the sacred Ambrosia!
This wasn’t the first time a tragedy struck M&M colors, of course. In 1976, there was a scare around the use of amaranth (Red Dye #2) in lots of foods. It was discovered to be a carcinogen and awareness by the Great Douchery swept across the land picking fights with all the red foods they could find. Never mind that M&Ms didn’t use amaranth to begin with, Evil-Inc decided it was best to cut them out anyway. You may be saying to yourself, “but there are red M&Ms now!” You’re right of course. They brought them back years later and started using Allura Red AC (Red Dye #40) as the new dye (which, consequently, is banned in several European countries due to potential health risks).
What’s worse is that when the red M&Ms were stolen away, they were replaced by an awful orange M&M. Our poor tan M&Ms, Ambrosia if you will, suddenly found themselves threatened not only by the dark brown, but suddenly a new similar color. Their uniqueness slipped even further. Still, Ambrosia stood strong for many years. In fact, some very resourceful candy-nerds did some shady measurements which suggest that prior to the contest in 1995, tan M&Ms accounted for over 30% of the entire bag. What they lost in individuality, they made up with gusto in presence.
Still, all of this was not enough to save them. The evil Blue M&M was born and lovely Ambrosia was lost to time.
At this point, you might be asking yourself, “what does all this have to do with anything?” If you are, you obviously don’t understand the awesomeness of the Tan M&Ms. They were the softest, most natural of all the colors. They didn’t offend or demand attention with their brightness. The question should be, how can this not bother you?
Perhaps I’m overly sensitive to my snack foods. Maybe that’s why I’m the only one that seems to have noticed Count Chocula changed its recipe in the mid 90’s. Yes, I was still eating it in high school; got a problem with that? Anyway, I think someone needs to take a stand on these issues. Some things are worth fighting for!
I will not eat blue M&Ms. My respect for Ambrosia is strong enough for that at least. Who’s with me?
PS: I apologize to anyone who mistakenly thought this post was going to be in any way related to the DC Comics superhero of the same name. Though, in retrospect, he is also downright awful. I think I’ll boycott him too.