White Text - 01

whitetext was a private livejournal account I kept following a breakup in 2004. The entries came from a deep depression. They have been recollected here for data preservation.

why do i do this? what possesses me, or drives the need in me, to write a journal out in public? i have plenty of paper journals where i could spill my mind and bottle it up again on a shelf, but they don’t feel freeing or helpful anymore. this is different somehow. there is a subtle relief in the possibility of someone pushing the random journal button and finding my self-commentary, reading it, and finding a connection. perhaps it’s a silly dream, like believing that a song could change the world, or maybe it’s just a crazy hope that there are still people out there who believe i’m worth their time.

this isn’t the first time i’ve had a livejournal. i have another that has a fairly large friends group and gets reliable responses. it’s not helpful either anymore. i write my day to days there, update silly things for friends i run into daily, and respond with witty cynicism to their entries. it all seems pointless though, being that we talk so often anyway. i know all the stuff they’re going to write about from talking with them in person or on the phone. sure there are a few exceptions, but those are mostly fringe friends or “friends of friends” who i’m not interested in very much anyway. i really want to spill my blood over the keyboard, but those people who listen right now are all the same. they’ll respond with concern and offer suggestions to make me feel better, just like is expected of them.

the thing is, i’m not looking for pity or attention. i don’t really care much for either of those. that’s one of the reasons i’m starting this journal instead of just writing it in my other one. i want anonymous companionship. i want whatever the internet can give me akin to a cheap one night stand, or even a silent mistress. just let the damned compassion die away and give me someone who will wallow with me and tell me that they “empathize” instead of “sympathize”. it can’t be that hard to find a person who would rather cry with me than console me.

This page is cryptographically signed with my public key.