White Text - 04

whitetext was a private livejournal account I kept following a breakup in 2004. The entries came from a deep depression. They have been recollected here for data preservation.

i wonder if alcoholism is really a bad thing. i wonder because i fear there isn’t anything worth being sober for. my fears and anxieties materialize in mixed company, amidst a bar and karaoke with aquaintances. i sang a duet tonight only to be reminded of those i wish i’d left behind in highschool. i scream to myself to let loose from this immaturity and to cling to some hope of redemption through intellecutalism. instead, i am tempted to waste more time and spend more energy with those whom i left in the past long ago. i didn’t know them then, nor were they at my level, but none-the-less, they wait in my past for me now.

singing tonight was liberating, but not in the traditional sense. the music didn’t let me free, nor did the lyrics, but rather the atmosphere of the night. surrounded by smoking drunks and hopeful entertainers, i let loose of my cares, not on the level of embarrasment, but on the level of humanity. now i sit, caring not who spys me alone in my room, naked to the world.

i am torn between responsibility, possibility, and desire. two whom i fear might get together draw closer every day. i fear the relationship as i might fear a root canal, and yet i say little. they desire each other on some unknowing level, drawn towards disaster and pain. i know the truth, see it coming, and yet i am in no position to help them. do i know either well enough to stand up for it anyway? probably not. the pain will certainly help at least one. the other is too artistic and independant to suffer much. illogically, i worry.

free me from this hassle of mediocrity. let me return to a strong relationship with someone who understands me, who cares for me, and who values me for who i am. let me understand her importance too. and most of all, let us not argue in the pittance of conflict, but see eye-to-eye through the difficulties of life and struggle together. let me have a partner worthy of my admiration.

i am sick of the past, yet it haunts me with possibilities. i may call her again, but i wont say what i might say. let time take its path.