White Text - 10

whitetext was a private livejournal account I kept following a breakup in 2004. The entries came from a deep depression. They have been recollected here for data preservation.

when it comes time to sever the ties that bind us, i am more than willing on most any occasion. this time it isn’t mine to sever, at least, not directly. but that isn’t important. the important thing has nothing to do with other people, but everything to do with myself.

i take off my glasses at night.there is nothing quite so accurate about me as that. i’ve always seen better (not clearer) without them. i suppose people might see me better that way as well. i wasn’t meant to see things clearly, crisply. i was meant to view the world through a haze of insubstantial forms, echoed by colors my mind generates from unknown sources. i am meant to see the halo’s of light drifting around everything. if i lived long ago, or in a world without science, that is what i would see. my days would be short and filled with a focus on other things besides sight.

i feel so empty, so alone sometimes. i read journals of people i’ve taken off my list and hope to see some mention of myself. i listen in on conversations and hope to find relation. i don’t know what i want. maybe just an escape.

i am torn between so many desires, i can’t find my way to logic or rest. i will sleep and wake, and perhaps be a bit more clear.